New job

I found it guys, I found a job I actually love! You know, that job you wake up everyday looking forward to give more of yourself to, create, innovate, and process improve the shit out of EVERYTHING. Whoa there Tiger, yes I know, it is MY OCD and impulsivities for which I am currently ironing out via therapy. I could have deleted it, but this is ME.

What else have I been up to? Well, regardless of how much I have going on, my life attracts chaos. There, I said it. A day with calm and peace just isn’t my style. Why not create just one headache in a 24-hour period, or more?! It’s all good though. I am really getting good at living with a chronic illness tbh – my attitude has changed (I think).

REACT vs. Be PROACTIVE?

So, a piece of advice my leader taught me when I worked as a Cast Member for Walt Disney World was how much better it was to be proactive versus reactive. Throughout my life, I have been known for my reactions to things. I can tell because there is always this overly dramatic experience that really just could have been avoided all together, aka a tantrum. This is something I have learned recently about myself. In Therapy, I have been learning a lot about myself, who I am, inside and out, and why I do the things I do. My passion, often misperceived, is derived from never being heard as a child. I had to learn how important it was to work on that specific detail versus involve and/or hurt people I care about. No need to repeat the cycle, my kids don’t need to go through what I did. Much love to my Parents, they did the best they could at that time.

Anyway – this new job has woken me up! I ‘feel myself’ again! The decisions I make daily as a Project Manager feel so much better at this job. My previous job had so much red tape, and as a Project Manager that can feel suffocating! No puns to my former employers as I have become who I am today because of those experiences. I just know what I deserve and I finally feel like I am at a good place for now. This is also a good organization to build the kind of experience needed to ultimately become the Executive I want to be! You should always aspire to do what YOU have always wanted to do, it is possible – just do it!

Being unemployed for over a year, courtesy of the pandemic, helped me realize a lot about my life and where I see myself in the future. I want to succeed and LIVE MY BEST LIFE, but I also want my children to have the BEST future once I am gone. That’s growth, right? I have come to terms with my lifespan notation as a chronic illness warrior, I can handle the reality now.

Anyway, so I’ve been too busy working to write on my blog – shame on me when I have SO much to share. I have, however, kept up with my Instagram page. If you are feeling any sort of word vibes, head over to my page.

I want to share my story on video. Any amazing video creators out there? I do feel like we, who feel the need to empower and be empowered, should do so without limitation. This life is short. Our goals are ours. We either conquer them or continue keeping them as thoughts. The time is now. After the year our nation has had it, we owe it to our future. Why not, right?!

Thank you for listening. I promise I’m back, but I am ready for so much more.

Anxiety

I have dealt with anxiety since I was a teenager. Having panic attacks in the courtyard of my middle school. Everyone staring at me, what’s wrong with her? I wasn’t medicated at the time. My anxiety and stress, which provoked the attacks, came more from what I was going through at home, before and after school.

Anxiety is future prone, I know that now that I’m in my late thirty’s. Never before could I pinpoint exactly the origin of my anxiety. I always blamed it on school so as not to anger my mom even more. My mom was stressed out most of the time. A single mom of 3 kids, one income household, work, clean, laundry, kids, the works…

Mom always elicited a superwoman attitude, often times annoyed and left best alone. She just always kept going. There was zero room for complaining. Mom made it clear that, in life, no one does shit for you so figure it out. Be independent. Depend on no man. Those were her words of inspiration.

While it sounds badass, as it did to me hearing it as a teen, it’s not reality. Courtesy of repetition and mentality reform, I am now under therapy to essentially retrain my brain. There isn’t anything wrong about what my mom did because she didn’t know any better. The problem is, reality doesn’t work like that.

For example, my marriage has lasted 14 years so far. If I were to think like my mom did, I’d be single raising my boys on my own working multiple jobs. There is nothing wrong with that, but I love my husband. I’m okay sharing multiple income, I’m okay admitting when I’m wrong, I’m okay with not getting everything done in one day, I don’t need to yell every five seconds to feel productive, I don’t need three jobs, do you see where I’m going?

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Anxiety is future prone. I get anxious because I am used to doing things one way, the way my mom taught me. I don’t have to though. This creates problems in real life for me. A natural defensive demeanor, assumption city girl, and don’t get me started on my RBF!

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Retraining your brain isn’t bad. It has helped me cool off and accept that I just have to relearn some stuff. Instead of jumping into fight or flight all the time, I need to better at chilling out first and assessing every situation. Learning because I don’t want to hand down the same traits to my kids. We can’t live in survival mode 24/7.

My mental health is something I struggle with daily. Grateful for my gift of writing, I plan to find ways to share pro tips with you, maybe with those who grew up the same way or maybe just find it worthy.

Just breathe… wait breath or breathe… whatever.

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some days…

Some days are meant to be appreciated for the simple fact that we made it through – y estamos vivos ~ we’re alive! Some days are so tough that they require all our energy. Some days are super long and they drag. Today was one of those days. We’re currently caregiving for my husband’s grandparents. One of said grandparents is suffering from the C word, Cancer. It is never easy to hear let alone accept a Cancer diagnosis no matter who it is.

My heart breaks for my husband. The moment he arrived to this country at the ripe age of 13, he immediately began paving his path for success. He had a dream and has accomplished his goals and maintained success. That shouldn’t be taken away from him. It is never easy to be the only one in the family who gives a shit. You set higher standards and you make shit happen – that’s how you avoid the generational curse. Break the cycle, be the difference. I am forever grateful for how much he has taught me.

Homeschooling two teenage boys in middle school comes with plenty of drama. It has been difficult to navigate virtual school due to COVID-19. We hoped it’d be over by now, but so did everyone else in 2020. I feel like I have another full-time job as a homeschool mom, but I’d rather be a homeschool mom than an elderly caregiver (honesty is the best policy)! Managing 6-7 classes per kid makes me feel like I am in high school again, writing notes on the white board for the Teacher so that she didn’t have to even get up from her seat. Dearest Ms. Cunningham, she was one of those teachers who leaves a footprint on your heart. I found out through one of my high school colleagues that she passed away peacefully. I must admit, I was a Teacher’s Pet!

Some days are meant to be ended with a glass of vino.

Stopped writing, walked to fridge, grabbed a glass of Riesling!

Back to regularly scheduled programming… I come on here to vent and express myself in the form that serves me best. I have written since I was a child, literally. Google Tiffany Oklahoma City Bombing and watch the infamous YouTube video if you dare, lol. Not terrible, just never was a fan of my teeth until I got braces!

Point is, many of us struggle with mental illness daily. Many of us also suppress because it’s the only way we have ever known how to mitigate our emotions. Never did I learn how timing is everything and the importance of an outlet. You need to do something, preferably healthy, every single day or as much as you can to release the tension and stress that comes from everyday life. Perseverance and resilience can be achieved by finding this healthy method among other ways. Over time, progress not perfection becomes second nature. Find something you love doing that has positive return on investment, and do that thing as much as you want.

Cheers amigos!

In my head…

• Distorted thoughts as my therapist calls them
• Anxiety builds
• Negative talk begins
• Shaming as its finest
• Depression onset immediate
• Get over it
• Cycle ends for a lil’ bit

If you were to asked me a year ago if I understand how this was what happens in my head daily, I wouldn’t know what you were talking about. Today, I’m well aware. I yearn for my parents to realize the things they did, just in these steps alone, to me as a child and as an adult. If only my parents could understand that if we acknowledge that we behave a certain way, or do certain things, it doesn’t mean those behaviors, ways and things are normal! Also, when you behave a certain way, it affects the ones who love you, consider them too. I did not before and now I do. I’m not saying my parents need to be like me, I know they won’t. The cycle ends with me though and my kids are smart enough to judge for themselves.

Therapy is not meant to fix me, I know that. Therapy is meant to help me identify and treat for me and ONLY ME. I know that negative talk is not healthy, but I have always done it thinking it was normal. It is not. Heck, I have messed up a recipe in the kitchen while my son was making himself lunch, and said “ugh, how dumb of me – I forgot to add the salt”, and my son called me out for it. As a parent, imagine how that feels. I wouldn’t want him talking to himself that way, checkpoint.

We were not placed on this earth to beat ourselves up. To be honest, it was the weakness I answered during job interviews when asked that infamous question, “What is your weakness”. Gosh, who came up with that question anyway?! My weakness is that I beat myself up and believe my negative thoughts.

It is vulnerable of me to post this because I am letting you in, but I am okay with it. I am an eccentric woman with good intuition and a gift for discernment. Extremely observant, I often times notice things other don’t. Being able to post about my journey will hopefully help someone experiencing the same. As Professionals and adults, we work so hard to paint the perfect picture of ourselves. We work hard everyday and we don’t give ourselves enough time to rest and recover. Stress creeps up and before you know it, the cycle begins all over again. I am finally accepting the ability to stop, it’s okay not to be okay.

If we see the cycle, we can break it and be the change this world needs. Everyone should always feel empowered, encouraged and ready to take on the world. Life is short, and there is only one. Live your best life and never give up.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline

1-800-662-HELP (4357)
TTY: 1-800-487-4889
Website: www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

Processing…

There is a key fact that no one prepares you for when undergoing treatment for anxiety and depression. The feelings are REAL. One minute you can be smiling from ear to ear, and the next minute you are crying without reason. Your body is feeling, processing all the emotions you have suppressed for years. These raw feelings feel like you are about to jump off the ledge of a building. Heart is racing, you are uncomfortable and uncertain of the future.

Withdrawal from society is something I started Monday. Deactivating all social media, I have accepted the process and embrace every raw feeling no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Not having to worry about my post being worthy of a like feels good. Only allowing the chosen few in feels good. Not feeling the need for validation feels good. It’s a new era for me, and right now I am in the midst of all feelings.

Not to mention, I think it is safe to say that my household in general is over this long awaited election. The ability to tolerate colors and numbers on a tv screen goes only so far, haha. Our country knows deep down, behind all the political bullshit, what we as Americans deserve.

It is with hope that I continue processing raw emotions with the ultimate ability to manage traumatic situations in the future better. I experienced a lot of childhood trauma growing up, and I have a habitual pain of comparing every current situation to that trauma. I’m not afraid to admit it because there’s someone out there who knows exactly how this feels. I am with you.

So the saga continues. I know this will get better. We all have a vice. We are human. We aren’t perfect. We know what we deserve. We are not meant to be fixed, per say; but, if we consistently focus on improving the opportunities will present themselves for a clearer future ahead. A healthier mental state.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling and/or having suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone. I am not suicidal, but I have been and I know what it feels like so I sympathize.

Peace and unity…

I started therapy…

Anxiety is an asshole! It lives rent-free in my head and has for way too long. It takes over me and I see red. People have called me dramatic, they have disregarded my feelings and whatever else. Through the years, I have strived for ways to manage it better, but now I embrace it and live with it because Anxiety is a part of me. For those of you who suffer from Anxiety, I am all ears for pro-tips.

So far, therapy has been positive. Learning so much about myself, I realize how much of my parents live in me. It’s scary because I have spent the majority of my life trying to not be like them. I love them, I always will. My path has always been the opposite and we have yet to see eye to eye. There is a blatant disregard for the pain I endured as a child, growing up I suppressed the shit out of it… Ask me how that worked for me? Not good.

As years progressed, I became a wife, mom, etc. and established my career. In November 2019, I moved to Colorado with the intention of opening a business and being closer to family. Reasonable right? I am in my mid-30’s, my kids are almost teens, time to be closer to family, stable and settled down. Who knew that one incident would change the trajectory of our plans as a family and everything we had worked for together up to the end of last year? Needless to say, it didn’t work out. We are back in Florida.

Something took place that reminded me of my childhood. Why? Because ever since I got my period at age 10, I have been given the responsibilities of an adult. I, as a mom, struggle with letting my kids be kids because my brain has been molded to think that we must constantly be in a state of hustle and panic. What I am saying is that, I grew up in survival mode. My mom was a single mom and my dad left the house when I was 5. My parents were unstable and not the best of mentors; however my loyalty always stayed under them and ’til this day I defend them – even when I shouldn’t. What took place in Colorado was what broke the camel’s back for my husband and I. I knew I couldn’t stay there. I knew I couldn’t be calm. I knew it would put me in a constant state of shock. Why did I think this would work? How could I put my family through such a big move? Yeah, I’ve been thinking about all those thoughts on repeat for the past 10 months.

I want to learn about myself and why I behave certain ways. Therapy is a necessity for me, I have been in and out of therapy since I was a kid. My mom could never afford to get me past 3 sessions so I was never consistent. It was here and there. As an adult now, the struggle is real. I am self-taught. My goal as a parent is to not repeat the cycle. While I also have the same goal as a wife, given how many times my parents have been in a relationship, my kids are my priority right now and I can only handle one thing at a time when it comes to improving my mental health.

I encourage anyone needing the attention of a mental health counselor to seek help. While I am no one to take advice from, I can assure you that being able to communicate with your therapist 24/7 by means of a voice message, text message and/or voice call will assure you are always supported. I am enjoying it so far and look forward to my recovery.

TalkSpace is my therapy source and humble abode at the moment. I’m so grateful for my therapist.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, remember to love them first but also encourage them to seek help. My husband was the one who gave me that tough love talk, and I’m thankful.

Cognitive Distortions Are Not Limited to People with Mental Illness, So Let’s All Learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – Hufsa Ahmad, MSW

People with mental illness are taught about the cognitive distortions we have, which ranges from black and white thinking (a.k.a polarized thinking), to overgeneralization, to catastrophizing. However, after learning about and practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques for 6 weeks, people can dramatically change the way they think, feel, and behave. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is…
— Read on mentally-chill.com/2016/08/30/cognitive-distortions-are-not-limited-to-people-with-mental-illness-so-lets-all-learn-about-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt/

This is such a good read 🙌🏼

What she didn’t know…

Growing up I was always left out of the loop. Like, there were no family meetings, no “hey, by the way” moments – unless it was to tell me something to do. I grew up in silence because, as a Parental child, it is the only way I knew how to be. While I had my moments of tantrum and anger as a child and/or teen, I was relatively the one who went along with everything. Things that, as a parent now, I would never imagine putting my children in that situation.

My parents did the best they could, and I should be grateful. I get that. There can only be so much “Woe is me” in your 20s so that once you reach your 30s, you’re basically defining who you are so that by the time you reach your 40s, you can live at your prime and get your 2nd chance at life. Travel more, see more of the world (hopefully without a mask on), make memories and create a sacred home filled with love – endless love. However, at what point do I get to talk about how much SO much fucked me up mentally to where now, as an adult, I realize SO many foundational pieces I missed out on learning growing up?

It just amazes me how much now, as an adult, I have learned about how much I didn’t know. Perhaps my parents were protecting me by not sharing things with me. Maybe they wanted to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and not inconvenience me. Whatever the case, the critical moments of my life that were foundational to my future were missed.

Now, as a mom and wife, I strive daily to ensure I don’t miss out on those foundational moments with my children. Like how I work daily to teach my children of the future by exemplifying an intellectual conversation without yelling and arguing – sometimes.

Evolving as a woman during this self-discovery phase feels revitalizing. I feel like I sweat less over the drama. I choose my battles and opt out of the bullshit. It’s amazing how as we age, the bullshit becomes less enticing. I am happy for this time because while it has felt like a vicious cycle, it has set me up to actually enjoy the remainder of my life the way I deserve to best.

Peace for all…

This might get me in trouble…

Sometimes I get fed up. Like 150% ready to walk out type fed up. Marriage is hard. They don’t tell you about the un-death until you part, good, bad, ugly, all that… It’s rough! My patience runs thin. I wonder why things are being done the way they are. My OCD kicks in to overdrive, ugh the questions that develop in my anxiety mind are plenty…

My husband and I are night and day. I’m the social butterfly who wants to party every weekend, hit the beach somewhere in there, and work hard during the week. I want to take adventures with my kids and hubby, explore the world and live it up; lol, while that sounds super fun, I am also super responsible and a classic housewife when it comes to my cleaning and cooking skills.

My husband is an introvert, often times difficult to understand, a strong Cuban man (personality emphasized here) from Miami who believes that he is RIGHT 1143598749857% of the time. Despite popular belief, his ego serves him well. He is a fucking genius. My husband is an Engineer for Microsoft and I love to brag about it. A man who came to the USA from Cuba when he was 12 years old with only the clothes on his back. He knows struggle and sufferance more than anyone I have ever known. He fears nothing due to the hardships both he and his extended family endured living through Cuban exile. He knows what it means to, “start from scratch”. I believe that’s why we have relentlessly persevered through everything we have gone through in our marriage, because he is amazing at bringing me back to my center and reminding me of my value, my worth. He uses his strength from his losses to help others, he is selfless and he is my husband. I have loved this man since 2004 and I continue loving him. I don’t always agree with him, but I know he’s got my back like no one ever has. I am forever grateful for that, but I am also entitled to my tantrums!

Super traditional, I agree things should be shared and compromised to ensure fairness and inclusion within a marriage. My personality has modernized with age though, and I believe in efficiency. It could be something that small, like why I cannot understand why my husband does things a certain way when I know how to do it in a more efficient manner?! You see? My OCD kicking in…

As I approach 36, I learn more and more about the importance of picking your battles. During such an unprecedented time, I know better than to linger in that sorrow of constantly fighting with your spouse just to fight with them. THAT gets old! Marriage can burn you out AND bring out the best in you at the same time. I have seen it do both within the almost 14 years I have been in my marriage.

I love my husband. He is a pain in my butt, but I love him. We bring out the best in each other. We both had a rough upbringing and had to learn a lot at a very young age without the ability to really have a voice until we became adults. We know what it’s like to be put last for everything, carry the load of your family to ensure that your parents are able to work, the works… It has made us into this power couple, we feed off each other’s energies. Now, we work hard to share the life we have always wanted.

But, he just irks me sometimes! RANT OVER… 🙂

First day of School…

This school year looks a lot different than previous years. My boys started their school year from home this year. I am officially in the business of homeschooling my kids. I am grateful that my kids love each other more than they hate each other because they spend every break so far hanging out together. Technology issues are something I don’t believe my school district pondered thoroughly. I understand all the mass chaos around Teachers not wanting to go back on campus for their own health and safety, trust me – I get it. As a working mom who works remotely, it is only because I do that I am able to keep my kids home.

Honestly, my husband and I talked through our situation and decided it was best to keep our boys home. I can’t imagine what the families went through who either don’t have a 2-salary household or just don’t have the means other than to send their child(ren) to school. Last week, when I was rushing to prepare my kids for their first day school, it hit me how blessed I am. I realize a lot of shit that I complain about, but not as much as I used to because I realize how much we have compared to others, and I never want to take that for granted. So many people are struggling with the Pandemic, the Coronavirus, not knowing how they should have their child’s education delivered, working remotely with 101 distractions, the list goes on…

I’m sure moms alike can agree that the world only hits the fan when we are seated, calm and collected. The moment we log in to our first morning meeting, one of the dogs comes back in with their paws muddy. My OCD kicks into overdrive, and I obsessed about wanting to clean the mess until I actually do. I swear, I hope my boss sends me those bluetooth headphones she mentioned because I could do so much more during this time. They’re picky about us logging into meetings from our computers versus our cellphones, or else I’d be all over that.

Going back to the meaning of this post, I just still want my kids school experience to be like it was, not like it is. I miss buying school supplies with them, meeting their teacher and signing up for everything we could probably waste our money on. I enjoy being a part of the PTA, I still hope for Teachers to get paid more, for students to feel more inclusive and embrace cultural diversity, etc. I hope for a lot right now that just isn’t happening.

My PSA for this post is a wish that every student is given adequate if not more than necessary to feel fully supported learning from new platforms, with technology that isn’t cheap, trying to manage multiple applications as Teachers who are used to developing a lesson plan and cutting out their own custom figurines to entertain their students. School is different, and I just want to give my kids a good homeschool experience!

If any parents want to share insight on what it’s like to Homeschool, I’m all ears!