New job

I found it guys, I found a job I actually love! You know, that job you wake up everyday looking forward to give more of yourself to, create, innovate, and process improve the shit out of EVERYTHING. Whoa there Tiger, yes I know, it is MY OCD and impulsivities for which I am currently ironing out via therapy. I could have deleted it, but this is ME.

What else have I been up to? Well, regardless of how much I have going on, my life attracts chaos. There, I said it. A day with calm and peace just isn’t my style. Why not create just one headache in a 24-hour period, or more?! It’s all good though. I am really getting good at living with a chronic illness tbh – my attitude has changed (I think).

REACT vs. Be PROACTIVE?

So, a piece of advice my leader taught me when I worked as a Cast Member for Walt Disney World was how much better it was to be proactive versus reactive. Throughout my life, I have been known for my reactions to things. I can tell because there is always this overly dramatic experience that really just could have been avoided all together, aka a tantrum. This is something I have learned recently about myself. In Therapy, I have been learning a lot about myself, who I am, inside and out, and why I do the things I do. My passion, often misperceived, is derived from never being heard as a child. I had to learn how important it was to work on that specific detail versus involve and/or hurt people I care about. No need to repeat the cycle, my kids don’t need to go through what I did. Much love to my Parents, they did the best they could at that time.

Anyway – this new job has woken me up! I ‘feel myself’ again! The decisions I make daily as a Project Manager feel so much better at this job. My previous job had so much red tape, and as a Project Manager that can feel suffocating! No puns to my former employers as I have become who I am today because of those experiences. I just know what I deserve and I finally feel like I am at a good place for now. This is also a good organization to build the kind of experience needed to ultimately become the Executive I want to be! You should always aspire to do what YOU have always wanted to do, it is possible – just do it!

Being unemployed for over a year, courtesy of the pandemic, helped me realize a lot about my life and where I see myself in the future. I want to succeed and LIVE MY BEST LIFE, but I also want my children to have the BEST future once I am gone. That’s growth, right? I have come to terms with my lifespan notation as a chronic illness warrior, I can handle the reality now.

Anyway, so I’ve been too busy working to write on my blog – shame on me when I have SO much to share. I have, however, kept up with my Instagram page. If you are feeling any sort of word vibes, head over to my page.

I want to share my story on video. Any amazing video creators out there? I do feel like we, who feel the need to empower and be empowered, should do so without limitation. This life is short. Our goals are ours. We either conquer them or continue keeping them as thoughts. The time is now. After the year our nation has had it, we owe it to our future. Why not, right?!

Thank you for listening. I promise I’m back, but I am ready for so much more.

Anxiety

I have dealt with anxiety since I was a teenager. Having panic attacks in the courtyard of my middle school. Everyone staring at me, what’s wrong with her? I wasn’t medicated at the time. My anxiety and stress, which provoked the attacks, came more from what I was going through at home, before and after school.

Anxiety is future prone, I know that now that I’m in my late thirty’s. Never before could I pinpoint exactly the origin of my anxiety. I always blamed it on school so as not to anger my mom even more. My mom was stressed out most of the time. A single mom of 3 kids, one income household, work, clean, laundry, kids, the works…

Mom always elicited a superwoman attitude, often times annoyed and left best alone. She just always kept going. There was zero room for complaining. Mom made it clear that, in life, no one does shit for you so figure it out. Be independent. Depend on no man. Those were her words of inspiration.

While it sounds badass, as it did to me hearing it as a teen, it’s not reality. Courtesy of repetition and mentality reform, I am now under therapy to essentially retrain my brain. There isn’t anything wrong about what my mom did because she didn’t know any better. The problem is, reality doesn’t work like that.

For example, my marriage has lasted 14 years so far. If I were to think like my mom did, I’d be single raising my boys on my own working multiple jobs. There is nothing wrong with that, but I love my husband. I’m okay sharing multiple income, I’m okay admitting when I’m wrong, I’m okay with not getting everything done in one day, I don’t need to yell every five seconds to feel productive, I don’t need three jobs, do you see where I’m going?


Anxiety is future prone. I get anxious because I am used to doing things one way, the way my mom taught me. I don’t have to though. This creates problems in real life for me. A natural defensive demeanor, assumption city girl, and don’t get me started on my RBF!

Retraining your brain isn’t bad. It has helped me cool off and accept that I just have to relearn some stuff. Instead of jumping into fight or flight all the time, I need to better at chilling out first and assessing every situation. Learning because I don’t want to hand down the same traits to my kids. We can’t live in survival mode 24/7.

My mental health is something I struggle with daily. Grateful for my gift of writing, I plan to find ways to share pro tips with you, maybe with those who grew up the same way or maybe just find it worthy.

Just breathe… wait breath or breathe… whatever.

In my head…

  • Distorted thoughts as my therapist calls them
  • Anxiety builds
  • Negative talk begins
  • Shaming as its finest
  • Depression onset immediate
  • Get over it
  • Cycle ends for a lil’ bit

If you were to asked me a year ago if I understand how this was what happens in my head daily, I wouldn’t know what you were talking about. Today, I’m well aware. I yearn for my parents to realize the things they did, just in these steps alone, to me as a child and as an adult. If only my parents could understand that if we acknowledge that we behave a certain way, or do certain things, it doesn’t mean those behaviors, ways and things are normal! Also, when you behave a certain way, it affects the ones who love you, consider them too. I did not before and now I do. I’m not saying my parents need to be like me, I know they won’t. The cycle ends with me though and my kids are smart enough to judge for themselves.

Therapy is not meant to fix me, I know that. Therapy is meant to help me identify and treat for me and ONLY ME. I know that negative talk is not healthy, but I have always done it thinking it was normal. It is not. Heck, I have messed up a recipe in the kitchen while my son was making himself lunch, and said “ugh, how dumb of me – I forgot to add the salt”, and my son called me out for it. As a parent, imagine how that feels. I wouldn’t want him talking to himself that way, checkpoint.

We were not placed on this earth to beat ourselves up. To be honest, it was the weakness I answered during job interviews when asked that infamous question, “What is your weakness”. Gosh, who came up with that question anyway?! My weakness is that I beat myself up and believe my negative thoughts.

It is vulnerable of me to post this because I am letting you in, but I am okay with it. I am an eccentric woman with good intuition and a gift for discernment. Extremely observant, I often times notice things other don’t. Being able to post about my journey will hopefully help someone experiencing the same. As Professionals and adults, we work so hard to paint the perfect picture of ourselves. We work hard everyday and we don’t give ourselves enough time to rest and recover. Stress creeps up and before you know it, the cycle begins all over again. I am finally accepting the ability to stop, it’s okay not to be okay.

If we see the cycle, we can break it and be the change this world needs. Everyone should always feel empowered, encouraged and ready to take on the world. Life is short, and there is only one. Live your best life and never give up.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline

1-800-662-HELP (4357)
TTY: 1-800-487-4889

Website: www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

Processing…

There is a key fact that no one prepares you for when undergoing treatment for anxiety and depression. The feelings are REAL. One minute you can be smiling from ear to ear, and the next minute you are crying without reason. Your body is feeling, processing all the emotions you have suppressed for years. These raw feelings feel like you are about to jump off the ledge of a building. Heart is racing, you are uncomfortable and uncertain of the future.

Withdrawal from society is something I started Monday. Deactivating all social media, I have accepted the process and embrace every raw feeling no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Not having to worry about my post being worthy of a like feels good. Only allowing the chosen few in feels good. Not feeling the need for validation feels good. It’s a new era for me, and right now I am in the midst of all feelings.

Not to mention, I think it is safe to say that my household in general is over this long awaited election. The ability to tolerate colors and numbers on a tv screen goes only so far, haha. Our country knows deep down, behind all the political bullshit, what we as Americans deserve.

It is with hope that I continue processing raw emotions with the ultimate ability to manage traumatic situations in the future better. I experienced a lot of childhood trauma growing up, and I have a habitual pain of comparing every current situation to that trauma. I’m not afraid to admit it because there’s someone out there who knows exactly how this feels. I am with you.

So the saga continues. I know this will get better. We all have a vice. We are human. We aren’t perfect. We know what we deserve. We are not meant to be fixed, per say; but, if we consistently focus on improving the opportunities will present themselves for a clearer future ahead. A healthier mental state.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling and/or having suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone. I am not suicidal, but I have been and I know what it feels like so I sympathize.

Peace and unity…

I started therapy…

Anxiety is an asshole! It lives rent-free in my head and has for way too long. It takes over me and I see red. People have called me dramatic, they have disregarded my feelings and whatever else. Through the years, I have strived for ways to manage it better, but now I embrace it and live with it because Anxiety is a part of me. For those of you who suffer from Anxiety, I am all ears for pro-tips.

So far, therapy has been positive. Learning so much about myself, I realize how much of my parents live in me. It’s scary because I have spent the majority of my life trying to not be like them. I love them, I always will. My path has always been the opposite and we have yet to see eye to eye. There is a blatant disregard for the pain I endured as a child, growing up I suppressed the shit out of it… Ask me how that worked for me? Not good.

As years progressed, I became a wife, mom, etc. and established my career. In November 2019, I moved to Colorado with the intention of opening a business and being closer to family. Reasonable right? I am in my mid-30’s, my kids are almost teens, time to be closer to family, stable and settled down. Who knew that one incident would change the trajectory of our plans as a family and everything we had worked for together up to the end of last year? Needless to say, it didn’t work out. We are back in Florida.

Something took place that reminded me of my childhood. Why? Because ever since I got my period at age 10, I have been given the responsibilities of an adult. I, as a mom, struggle with letting my kids be kids because my brain has been molded to think that we must constantly be in a state of hustle and panic. What I am saying is that, I grew up in survival mode. My mom was a single mom and my dad left the house when I was 5. My parents were unstable and not the best of mentors; however my loyalty always stayed under them and ’til this day I defend them – even when I shouldn’t. What took place in Colorado was what broke the camel’s back for my husband and I. I knew I couldn’t stay there. I knew I couldn’t be calm. I knew it would put me in a constant state of shock. Why did I think this would work? How could I put my family through such a big move? Yeah, I’ve been thinking about all those thoughts on repeat for the past 10 months.

I want to learn about myself and why I behave certain ways. Therapy is a necessity for me, I have been in and out of therapy since I was a kid. My mom could never afford to get me past 3 sessions so I was never consistent. It was here and there. As an adult now, the struggle is real. I am self-taught. My goal as a parent is to not repeat the cycle. While I also have the same goal as a wife, given how many times my parents have been in a relationship, my kids are my priority right now and I can only handle one thing at a time when it comes to improving my mental health.

I encourage anyone needing the attention of a mental health counselor to seek help. While I am no one to take advice from, I can assure you that being able to communicate with your therapist 24/7 by means of a voice message, text message and/or voice call will assure you are always supported. I am enjoying it so far and look forward to my recovery.

TalkSpace is my therapy source and humble abode at the moment. I’m so grateful for my therapist.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, remember to love them first but also encourage them to seek help. My husband was the one who gave me that tough love talk, and I’m thankful.