Anxiety

I have dealt with anxiety since I was a teenager. Having panic attacks in the courtyard of my middle school. Everyone staring at me, what’s wrong with her? I wasn’t medicated at the time. My anxiety and stress, which provoked the attacks, came more from what I was going through at home, before and after school.

Anxiety is future prone, I know that now that I’m in my late thirty’s. Never before could I pinpoint exactly the origin of my anxiety. I always blamed it on school so as not to anger my mom even more. My mom was stressed out most of the time. A single mom of 3 kids, one income household, work, clean, laundry, kids, the works…

Mom always elicited a superwoman attitude, often times annoyed and left best alone. She just always kept going. There was zero room for complaining. Mom made it clear that, in life, no one does shit for you so figure it out. Be independent. Depend on no man. Those were her words of inspiration.

While it sounds badass, as it did to me hearing it as a teen, it’s not reality. Courtesy of repetition and mentality reform, I am now under therapy to essentially retrain my brain. There isn’t anything wrong about what my mom did because she didn’t know any better. The problem is, reality doesn’t work like that.

For example, my marriage has lasted 14 years so far. If I were to think like my mom did, I’d be single raising my boys on my own working multiple jobs. There is nothing wrong with that, but I love my husband. I’m okay sharing multiple income, I’m okay admitting when I’m wrong, I’m okay with not getting everything done in one day, I don’t need to yell every five seconds to feel productive, I don’t need three jobs, do you see where I’m going?


Anxiety is future prone. I get anxious because I am used to doing things one way, the way my mom taught me. I don’t have to though. This creates problems in real life for me. A natural defensive demeanor, assumption city girl, and don’t get me started on my RBF!

Retraining your brain isn’t bad. It has helped me cool off and accept that I just have to relearn some stuff. Instead of jumping into fight or flight all the time, I need to better at chilling out first and assessing every situation. Learning because I don’t want to hand down the same traits to my kids. We can’t live in survival mode 24/7.

My mental health is something I struggle with daily. Grateful for my gift of writing, I plan to find ways to share pro tips with you, maybe with those who grew up the same way or maybe just find it worthy.

Just breathe… wait breath or breathe… whatever.

In my head…

  • Distorted thoughts as my therapist calls them
  • Anxiety builds
  • Negative talk begins
  • Shaming as its finest
  • Depression onset immediate
  • Get over it
  • Cycle ends for a lil’ bit

If you were to asked me a year ago if I understand how this was what happens in my head daily, I wouldn’t know what you were talking about. Today, I’m well aware. I yearn for my parents to realize the things they did, just in these steps alone, to me as a child and as an adult. If only my parents could understand that if we acknowledge that we behave a certain way, or do certain things, it doesn’t mean those behaviors, ways and things are normal! Also, when you behave a certain way, it affects the ones who love you, consider them too. I did not before and now I do. I’m not saying my parents need to be like me, I know they won’t. The cycle ends with me though and my kids are smart enough to judge for themselves.

Therapy is not meant to fix me, I know that. Therapy is meant to help me identify and treat for me and ONLY ME. I know that negative talk is not healthy, but I have always done it thinking it was normal. It is not. Heck, I have messed up a recipe in the kitchen while my son was making himself lunch, and said “ugh, how dumb of me – I forgot to add the salt”, and my son called me out for it. As a parent, imagine how that feels. I wouldn’t want him talking to himself that way, checkpoint.

We were not placed on this earth to beat ourselves up. To be honest, it was the weakness I answered during job interviews when asked that infamous question, “What is your weakness”. Gosh, who came up with that question anyway?! My weakness is that I beat myself up and believe my negative thoughts.

It is vulnerable of me to post this because I am letting you in, but I am okay with it. I am an eccentric woman with good intuition and a gift for discernment. Extremely observant, I often times notice things other don’t. Being able to post about my journey will hopefully help someone experiencing the same. As Professionals and adults, we work so hard to paint the perfect picture of ourselves. We work hard everyday and we don’t give ourselves enough time to rest and recover. Stress creeps up and before you know it, the cycle begins all over again. I am finally accepting the ability to stop, it’s okay not to be okay.

If we see the cycle, we can break it and be the change this world needs. Everyone should always feel empowered, encouraged and ready to take on the world. Life is short, and there is only one. Live your best life and never give up.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline

1-800-662-HELP (4357)
TTY: 1-800-487-4889

Website: www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

Therapy is Running too…

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.”

https://www.active.com/running/articles/18-motivational-running-quotes-to-keep-you-inspired

During this mental health journey of getting my head right, I have fallen in love with Running, again, for the nth time. Living with Anxiety and Depression as a result of Childhood Trauma has made it difficult to enjoy workouts like the majority, except when I’m running. Running gives me a feeling of escape. In the middle of a panic attack, all I want to do is escape into my Happy Place and put all those negative thoughts into the VAULT! The ability to go as fast or as slow as I prefer, when I want, feels euphoric.

In the past, food was my escape. I used it for everything, found an excuse at every negative thought or experience during any given day. I realized that I no longer want anything or anyone to influence and/or control me to the point of no return – ever again. I want to have control of everything, and that includes food. Everything I put in my mouth has a cost, and I learned that the hard way losing my Gallbladder. Regardless if I needed el maldito organ, I still wanted to die with all of my organs. Well, actually, I also had a hysterectomy so it’s a shitshow at this point. Whatever stays is paying premium rent at this point, lol. Seriously though, I have battled obesity most of my life.

The point I am trying to make is that I feel in control when I run. I have a running playlist with my favorite musica urbana/o artists – YES, I grew up on Reggaeton and I love that shit! I digressed; the weight loss I appreciate the most. I have not weighed what I weigh today since before having my youngest child. The heaviest I have ever been is 315lbs, and today I weigh 265lbs. While I am still way overweight, I rather do this slow and steady. Besides, I am super strong!

I am trying to turn a new leaf and dig into passions I enjoyed most growing up. In addition to writing, I love Dance. I have considered dancing again, but more holistically, by filming my own videos and posting them on my Instagram. It is still a thought, but I welcome tips from the Pros, as per always. My favorite Choreographer of all time is Cat Rendic. I grew up watching her dance on a show called The Roof as a youngin’, and fell in love with her style ever since. I’m such a FAN!

Thank you for supporting this blog and my ADD self. We covered a lot today, and I have a new goal this week to post daily – cheers amigos!

Processing…

There is a key fact that no one prepares you for when undergoing treatment for anxiety and depression. The feelings are REAL. One minute you can be smiling from ear to ear, and the next minute you are crying without reason. Your body is feeling, processing all the emotions you have suppressed for years. These raw feelings feel like you are about to jump off the ledge of a building. Heart is racing, you are uncomfortable and uncertain of the future.

Withdrawal from society is something I started Monday. Deactivating all social media, I have accepted the process and embrace every raw feeling no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Not having to worry about my post being worthy of a like feels good. Only allowing the chosen few in feels good. Not feeling the need for validation feels good. It’s a new era for me, and right now I am in the midst of all feelings.

Not to mention, I think it is safe to say that my household in general is over this long awaited election. The ability to tolerate colors and numbers on a tv screen goes only so far, haha. Our country knows deep down, behind all the political bullshit, what we as Americans deserve.

It is with hope that I continue processing raw emotions with the ultimate ability to manage traumatic situations in the future better. I experienced a lot of childhood trauma growing up, and I have a habitual pain of comparing every current situation to that trauma. I’m not afraid to admit it because there’s someone out there who knows exactly how this feels. I am with you.

So the saga continues. I know this will get better. We all have a vice. We are human. We aren’t perfect. We know what we deserve. We are not meant to be fixed, per say; but, if we consistently focus on improving the opportunities will present themselves for a clearer future ahead. A healthier mental state.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling and/or having suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone. I am not suicidal, but I have been and I know what it feels like so I sympathize.

Peace and unity…