Processing…

There is a key fact that no one prepares you for when undergoing treatment for anxiety and depression. The feelings are REAL. One minute you can be smiling from ear to ear, and the next minute you are crying without reason. Your body is feeling, processing all the emotions you have suppressed for years. These raw feelings feel like you are about to jump off the ledge of a building. Heart is racing, you are uncomfortable and uncertain of the future.

Withdrawal from society is something I started Monday. Deactivating all social media, I have accepted the process and embrace every raw feeling no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Not having to worry about my post being worthy of a like feels good. Only allowing the chosen few in feels good. Not feeling the need for validation feels good. It’s a new era for me, and right now I am in the midst of all feelings.

Not to mention, I think it is safe to say that my household in general is over this long awaited election. The ability to tolerate colors and numbers on a tv screen goes only so far, haha. Our country knows deep down, behind all the political bullshit, what we as Americans deserve.

It is with hope that I continue processing raw emotions with the ultimate ability to manage traumatic situations in the future better. I experienced a lot of childhood trauma growing up, and I have a habitual pain of comparing every current situation to that trauma. I’m not afraid to admit it because there’s someone out there who knows exactly how this feels. I am with you.

So the saga continues. I know this will get better. We all have a vice. We are human. We aren’t perfect. We know what we deserve. We are not meant to be fixed, per say; but, if we consistently focus on improving the opportunities will present themselves for a clearer future ahead. A healthier mental state.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling and/or having suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone. I am not suicidal, but I have been and I know what it feels like so I sympathize.

Peace and unity…

What she didn’t know…

Growing up I was always left out of the loop. Like, there were no family meetings, no “hey, by the way” moments – unless it was to tell me something to do. I grew up in silence because, as a Parental child, it is the only way I knew how to be. While I had my moments of tantrum and anger as a child and/or teen, I was relatively the one who went along with everything. Things that, as a parent now, I would never imagine putting my children in that situation.

My parents did the best they could, and I should be grateful. I get that. There can only be so much “Woe is me” in your 20s so that once you reach your 30s, you’re basically defining who you are so that by the time you reach your 40s, you can live at your prime and get your 2nd chance at life. Travel more, see more of the world (hopefully without a mask on), make memories and create a sacred home filled with love – endless love. However, at what point do I get to talk about how much SO much fucked me up mentally to where now, as an adult, I realize SO many foundational pieces I missed out on learning growing up?

It just amazes me how much now, as an adult, I have learned about how much I didn’t know. Perhaps my parents were protecting me by not sharing things with me. Maybe they wanted to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and not inconvenience me. Whatever the case, the critical moments of my life that were foundational to my future were missed.

Now, as a mom and wife, I strive daily to ensure I don’t miss out on those foundational moments with my children. Like how I work daily to teach my children of the future by exemplifying an intellectual conversation without yelling and arguing – sometimes.

Evolving as a woman during this self-discovery phase feels revitalizing. I feel like I sweat less over the drama. I choose my battles and opt out of the bullshit. It’s amazing how as we age, the bullshit becomes less enticing. I am happy for this time because while it has felt like a vicious cycle, it has set me up to actually enjoy the remainder of my life the way I deserve to best.

Peace for all…