Therapy is Running too…

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.”

https://www.active.com/running/articles/18-motivational-running-quotes-to-keep-you-inspired

During this mental health journey of getting my head right, I have fallen in love with Running, again, for the nth time. Living with Anxiety and Depression as a result of Childhood Trauma has made it difficult to enjoy workouts like the majority, except when I’m running. Running gives me a feeling of escape. In the middle of a panic attack, all I want to do is escape into my Happy Place and put all those negative thoughts into the VAULT! The ability to go as fast or as slow as I prefer, when I want, feels euphoric.

In the past, food was my escape. I used it for everything, found an excuse at every negative thought or experience during any given day. I realized that I no longer want anything or anyone to influence and/or control me to the point of no return – ever again. I want to have control of everything, and that includes food. Everything I put in my mouth has a cost, and I learned that the hard way losing my Gallbladder. Regardless if I needed el maldito organ, I still wanted to die with all of my organs. Well, actually, I also had a hysterectomy so it’s a shitshow at this point. Whatever stays is paying premium rent at this point, lol. Seriously though, I have battled obesity most of my life.

The point I am trying to make is that I feel in control when I run. I have a running playlist with my favorite musica urbana/o artists – YES, I grew up on Reggaeton and I love that shit! I digressed; the weight loss I appreciate the most. I have not weighed what I weigh today since before having my youngest child. The heaviest I have ever been is 315lbs, and today I weigh 265lbs. While I am still way overweight, I rather do this slow and steady. Besides, I am super strong!

I am trying to turn a new leaf and dig into passions I enjoyed most growing up. In addition to writing, I love Dance. I have considered dancing again, but more holistically, by filming my own videos and posting them on my Instagram. It is still a thought, but I welcome tips from the Pros, as per always. My favorite Choreographer of all time is Cat Rendic. I grew up watching her dance on a show called The Roof as a youngin’, and fell in love with her style ever since. I’m such a FAN!

Thank you for supporting this blog and my ADD self. We covered a lot today, and I have a new goal this week to post daily – cheers amigos!

Processing…

There is a key fact that no one prepares you for when undergoing treatment for anxiety and depression. The feelings are REAL. One minute you can be smiling from ear to ear, and the next minute you are crying without reason. Your body is feeling, processing all the emotions you have suppressed for years. These raw feelings feel like you are about to jump off the ledge of a building. Heart is racing, you are uncomfortable and uncertain of the future.

Withdrawal from society is something I started Monday. Deactivating all social media, I have accepted the process and embrace every raw feeling no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Not having to worry about my post being worthy of a like feels good. Only allowing the chosen few in feels good. Not feeling the need for validation feels good. It’s a new era for me, and right now I am in the midst of all feelings.

Not to mention, I think it is safe to say that my household in general is over this long awaited election. The ability to tolerate colors and numbers on a tv screen goes only so far, haha. Our country knows deep down, behind all the political bullshit, what we as Americans deserve.

It is with hope that I continue processing raw emotions with the ultimate ability to manage traumatic situations in the future better. I experienced a lot of childhood trauma growing up, and I have a habitual pain of comparing every current situation to that trauma. I’m not afraid to admit it because there’s someone out there who knows exactly how this feels. I am with you.

So the saga continues. I know this will get better. We all have a vice. We are human. We aren’t perfect. We know what we deserve. We are not meant to be fixed, per say; but, if we consistently focus on improving the opportunities will present themselves for a clearer future ahead. A healthier mental state.

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling and/or having suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone. I am not suicidal, but I have been and I know what it feels like so I sympathize.

Peace and unity…