some days…

Some days are meant to be appreciated for the simple fact that we made it through – y estamos vivos ~ we’re alive! Some days are so tough that they require all our energy. Some days are super long and they drag. Today was one of those days. We’re currently caregiving for my husband’s grandparents. One of said grandparents is suffering from the C word, Cancer. It is never easy to hear let alone accept a Cancer diagnosis no matter who it is.

My heart breaks for my husband. The moment he arrived to this country at the ripe age of 13, he immediately began paving his path for success. He had a dream and has accomplished his goals and maintained success. That shouldn’t be taken away from him. It is never easy to be the only one in the family who gives a shit. You set higher standards and you make shit happen – that’s how you avoid the generational curse. Break the cycle, be the difference. I am forever grateful for how much he has taught me.

Homeschooling two teenage boys in middle school comes with plenty of drama. It has been difficult to navigate virtual school due to COVID-19. We hoped it’d be over by now, but so did everyone else in 2020. I feel like I have another full-time job as a homeschool mom, but I’d rather be a homeschool mom than an elderly caregiver (honesty is the best policy)! Managing 6-7 classes per kid makes me feel like I am in high school again, writing notes on the white board for the Teacher so that she didn’t have to even get up from her seat. Dearest Ms. Cunningham, she was one of those teachers who leaves a footprint on your heart. I found out through one of my high school colleagues that she passed away peacefully. I must admit, I was a Teacher’s Pet!

Some days are meant to be ended with a glass of vino.

Stopped writing, walked to fridge, grabbed a glass of Riesling!

Back to regularly scheduled programming… I come on here to vent and express myself in the form that serves me best. I have written since I was a child, literally. Google Tiffany Oklahoma City Bombing and watch the infamous YouTube video if you dare, lol. Not terrible, just never was a fan of my teeth until I got braces!

Point is, many of us struggle with mental illness daily. Many of us also suppress because it’s the only way we have ever known how to mitigate our emotions. Never did I learn how timing is everything and the importance of an outlet. You need to do something, preferably healthy, every single day or as much as you can to release the tension and stress that comes from everyday life. Perseverance and resilience can be achieved by finding this healthy method among other ways. Over time, progress not perfection becomes second nature. Find something you love doing that has positive return on investment, and do that thing as much as you want.

Cheers amigos!

I started therapy…

Anxiety is an asshole! It lives rent-free in my head and has for way too long. It takes over me and I see red. People have called me dramatic, they have disregarded my feelings and whatever else. Through the years, I have strived for ways to manage it better, but now I embrace it and live with it because Anxiety is a part of me. For those of you who suffer from Anxiety, I am all ears for pro-tips.

So far, therapy has been positive. Learning so much about myself, I realize how much of my parents live in me. It’s scary because I have spent the majority of my life trying to not be like them. I love them, I always will. My path has always been the opposite and we have yet to see eye to eye. There is a blatant disregard for the pain I endured as a child, growing up I suppressed the shit out of it… Ask me how that worked for me? Not good.

As years progressed, I became a wife, mom, etc. and established my career. In November 2019, I moved to Colorado with the intention of opening a business and being closer to family. Reasonable right? I am in my mid-30’s, my kids are almost teens, time to be closer to family, stable and settled down. Who knew that one incident would change the trajectory of our plans as a family and everything we had worked for together up to the end of last year? Needless to say, it didn’t work out. We are back in Florida.

Something took place that reminded me of my childhood. Why? Because ever since I got my period at age 10, I have been given the responsibilities of an adult. I, as a mom, struggle with letting my kids be kids because my brain has been molded to think that we must constantly be in a state of hustle and panic. What I am saying is that, I grew up in survival mode. My mom was a single mom and my dad left the house when I was 5. My parents were unstable and not the best of mentors; however my loyalty always stayed under them and ’til this day I defend them – even when I shouldn’t. What took place in Colorado was what broke the camel’s back for my husband and I. I knew I couldn’t stay there. I knew I couldn’t be calm. I knew it would put me in a constant state of shock. Why did I think this would work? How could I put my family through such a big move? Yeah, I’ve been thinking about all those thoughts on repeat for the past 10 months.

I want to learn about myself and why I behave certain ways. Therapy is a necessity for me, I have been in and out of therapy since I was a kid. My mom could never afford to get me past 3 sessions so I was never consistent. It was here and there. As an adult now, the struggle is real. I am self-taught. My goal as a parent is to not repeat the cycle. While I also have the same goal as a wife, given how many times my parents have been in a relationship, my kids are my priority right now and I can only handle one thing at a time when it comes to improving my mental health.

I encourage anyone needing the attention of a mental health counselor to seek help. While I am no one to take advice from, I can assure you that being able to communicate with your therapist 24/7 by means of a voice message, text message and/or voice call will assure you are always supported. I am enjoying it so far and look forward to my recovery.

TalkSpace is my therapy source and humble abode at the moment. I’m so grateful for my therapist.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, remember to love them first but also encourage them to seek help. My husband was the one who gave me that tough love talk, and I’m thankful.

What she didn’t know…

Growing up I was always left out of the loop. Like, there were no family meetings, no “hey, by the way” moments – unless it was to tell me something to do. I grew up in silence because, as a Parental child, it is the only way I knew how to be. While I had my moments of tantrum and anger as a child and/or teen, I was relatively the one who went along with everything. Things that, as a parent now, I would never imagine putting my children in that situation.

My parents did the best they could, and I should be grateful. I get that. There can only be so much “Woe is me” in your 20s so that once you reach your 30s, you’re basically defining who you are so that by the time you reach your 40s, you can live at your prime and get your 2nd chance at life. Travel more, see more of the world (hopefully without a mask on), make memories and create a sacred home filled with love – endless love. However, at what point do I get to talk about how much SO much fucked me up mentally to where now, as an adult, I realize SO many foundational pieces I missed out on learning growing up?

It just amazes me how much now, as an adult, I have learned about how much I didn’t know. Perhaps my parents were protecting me by not sharing things with me. Maybe they wanted to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and not inconvenience me. Whatever the case, the critical moments of my life that were foundational to my future were missed.

Now, as a mom and wife, I strive daily to ensure I don’t miss out on those foundational moments with my children. Like how I work daily to teach my children of the future by exemplifying an intellectual conversation without yelling and arguing – sometimes.

Evolving as a woman during this self-discovery phase feels revitalizing. I feel like I sweat less over the drama. I choose my battles and opt out of the bullshit. It’s amazing how as we age, the bullshit becomes less enticing. I am happy for this time because while it has felt like a vicious cycle, it has set me up to actually enjoy the remainder of my life the way I deserve to best.

Peace for all…

First day of School…

This school year looks a lot different than previous years. My boys started their school year from home this year. I am officially in the business of homeschooling my kids. I am grateful that my kids love each other more than they hate each other because they spend every break so far hanging out together. Technology issues are something I don’t believe my school district pondered thoroughly. I understand all the mass chaos around Teachers not wanting to go back on campus for their own health and safety, trust me – I get it. As a working mom who works remotely, it is only because I do that I am able to keep my kids home.

Honestly, my husband and I talked through our situation and decided it was best to keep our boys home. I can’t imagine what the families went through who either don’t have a 2-salary household or just don’t have the means other than to send their child(ren) to school. Last week, when I was rushing to prepare my kids for their first day school, it hit me how blessed I am. I realize a lot of shit that I complain about, but not as much as I used to because I realize how much we have compared to others, and I never want to take that for granted. So many people are struggling with the Pandemic, the Coronavirus, not knowing how they should have their child’s education delivered, working remotely with 101 distractions, the list goes on…

I’m sure moms alike can agree that the world only hits the fan when we are seated, calm and collected. The moment we log in to our first morning meeting, one of the dogs comes back in with their paws muddy. My OCD kicks into overdrive, and I obsessed about wanting to clean the mess until I actually do. I swear, I hope my boss sends me those bluetooth headphones she mentioned because I could do so much more during this time. They’re picky about us logging into meetings from our computers versus our cellphones, or else I’d be all over that.

Going back to the meaning of this post, I just still want my kids school experience to be like it was, not like it is. I miss buying school supplies with them, meeting their teacher and signing up for everything we could probably waste our money on. I enjoy being a part of the PTA, I still hope for Teachers to get paid more, for students to feel more inclusive and embrace cultural diversity, etc. I hope for a lot right now that just isn’t happening.

My PSA for this post is a wish that every student is given adequate if not more than necessary to feel fully supported learning from new platforms, with technology that isn’t cheap, trying to manage multiple applications as Teachers who are used to developing a lesson plan and cutting out their own custom figurines to entertain their students. School is different, and I just want to give my kids a good homeschool experience!

If any parents want to share insight on what it’s like to Homeschool, I’m all ears!