Anxiety

I have dealt with anxiety since I was a teenager. Having panic attacks in the courtyard of my middle school. Everyone staring at me, what’s wrong with her? I wasn’t medicated at the time. My anxiety and stress, which provoked the attacks, came more from what I was going through at home, before and after school.

Anxiety is future prone, I know that now that I’m in my late thirty’s. Never before could I pinpoint exactly the origin of my anxiety. I always blamed it on school so as not to anger my mom even more. My mom was stressed out most of the time. A single mom of 3 kids, one income household, work, clean, laundry, kids, the works…

Mom always elicited a superwoman attitude, often times annoyed and left best alone. She just always kept going. There was zero room for complaining. Mom made it clear that, in life, no one does shit for you so figure it out. Be independent. Depend on no man. Those were her words of inspiration.

While it sounds badass, as it did to me hearing it as a teen, it’s not reality. Courtesy of repetition and mentality reform, I am now under therapy to essentially retrain my brain. There isn’t anything wrong about what my mom did because she didn’t know any better. The problem is, reality doesn’t work like that.

For example, my marriage has lasted 14 years so far. If I were to think like my mom did, I’d be single raising my boys on my own working multiple jobs. There is nothing wrong with that, but I love my husband. I’m okay sharing multiple income, I’m okay admitting when I’m wrong, I’m okay with not getting everything done in one day, I don’t need to yell every five seconds to feel productive, I don’t need three jobs, do you see where I’m going?


Anxiety is future prone. I get anxious because I am used to doing things one way, the way my mom taught me. I don’t have to though. This creates problems in real life for me. A natural defensive demeanor, assumption city girl, and don’t get me started on my RBF!

Retraining your brain isn’t bad. It has helped me cool off and accept that I just have to relearn some stuff. Instead of jumping into fight or flight all the time, I need to better at chilling out first and assessing every situation. Learning because I don’t want to hand down the same traits to my kids. We can’t live in survival mode 24/7.

My mental health is something I struggle with daily. Grateful for my gift of writing, I plan to find ways to share pro tips with you, maybe with those who grew up the same way or maybe just find it worthy.

Just breathe… wait breath or breathe… whatever.

some days…

Some days are meant to be appreciated for the simple fact that we made it through – y estamos vivos ~ we’re alive! Some days are so tough that they require all our energy. Some days are super long and they drag. Today was one of those days. We’re currently caregiving for my husband’s grandparents. One of said grandparents is suffering from the C word, Cancer. It is never easy to hear let alone accept a Cancer diagnosis no matter who it is.

My heart breaks for my husband. The moment he arrived to this country at the ripe age of 13, he immediately began paving his path for success. He had a dream and has accomplished his goals and maintained success. That shouldn’t be taken away from him. It is never easy to be the only one in the family who gives a shit. You set higher standards and you make shit happen – that’s how you avoid the generational curse. Break the cycle, be the difference. I am forever grateful for how much he has taught me.

Homeschooling two teenage boys in middle school comes with plenty of drama. It has been difficult to navigate virtual school due to COVID-19. We hoped it’d be over by now, but so did everyone else in 2020. I feel like I have another full-time job as a homeschool mom, but I’d rather be a homeschool mom than an elderly caregiver (honesty is the best policy)! Managing 6-7 classes per kid makes me feel like I am in high school again, writing notes on the white board for the Teacher so that she didn’t have to even get up from her seat. Dearest Ms. Cunningham, she was one of those teachers who leaves a footprint on your heart. I found out through one of my high school colleagues that she passed away peacefully. I must admit, I was a Teacher’s Pet!

Some days are meant to be ended with a glass of vino.

Stopped writing, walked to fridge, grabbed a glass of Riesling!

Back to regularly scheduled programming… I come on here to vent and express myself in the form that serves me best. I have written since I was a child, literally. Google Tiffany Oklahoma City Bombing and watch the infamous YouTube video if you dare, lol. Not terrible, just never was a fan of my teeth until I got braces!

Point is, many of us struggle with mental illness daily. Many of us also suppress because it’s the only way we have ever known how to mitigate our emotions. Never did I learn how timing is everything and the importance of an outlet. You need to do something, preferably healthy, every single day or as much as you can to release the tension and stress that comes from everyday life. Perseverance and resilience can be achieved by finding this healthy method among other ways. Over time, progress not perfection becomes second nature. Find something you love doing that has positive return on investment, and do that thing as much as you want.

Cheers amigos!

What she didn’t know…

Growing up I was always left out of the loop. Like, there were no family meetings, no “hey, by the way” moments – unless it was to tell me something to do. I grew up in silence because, as a Parental child, it is the only way I knew how to be. While I had my moments of tantrum and anger as a child and/or teen, I was relatively the one who went along with everything. Things that, as a parent now, I would never imagine putting my children in that situation.

My parents did the best they could, and I should be grateful. I get that. There can only be so much “Woe is me” in your 20s so that once you reach your 30s, you’re basically defining who you are so that by the time you reach your 40s, you can live at your prime and get your 2nd chance at life. Travel more, see more of the world (hopefully without a mask on), make memories and create a sacred home filled with love – endless love. However, at what point do I get to talk about how much SO much fucked me up mentally to where now, as an adult, I realize SO many foundational pieces I missed out on learning growing up?

It just amazes me how much now, as an adult, I have learned about how much I didn’t know. Perhaps my parents were protecting me by not sharing things with me. Maybe they wanted to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and not inconvenience me. Whatever the case, the critical moments of my life that were foundational to my future were missed.

Now, as a mom and wife, I strive daily to ensure I don’t miss out on those foundational moments with my children. Like how I work daily to teach my children of the future by exemplifying an intellectual conversation without yelling and arguing – sometimes.

Evolving as a woman during this self-discovery phase feels revitalizing. I feel like I sweat less over the drama. I choose my battles and opt out of the bullshit. It’s amazing how as we age, the bullshit becomes less enticing. I am happy for this time because while it has felt like a vicious cycle, it has set me up to actually enjoy the remainder of my life the way I deserve to best.

Peace for all…