New job

I found it guys, I found a job I actually love! You know, that job you wake up everyday looking forward to give more of yourself to, create, innovate, and process improve the shit out of EVERYTHING. Whoa there Tiger, yes I know, it is MY OCD and impulsivities for which I am currently ironing out via therapy. I could have deleted it, but this is ME.

What else have I been up to? Well, regardless of how much I have going on, my life attracts chaos. There, I said it. A day with calm and peace just isn’t my style. Why not create just one headache in a 24-hour period, or more?! It’s all good though. I am really getting good at living with a chronic illness tbh – my attitude has changed (I think).

REACT vs. Be PROACTIVE?

So, a piece of advice my leader taught me when I worked as a Cast Member for Walt Disney World was how much better it was to be proactive versus reactive. Throughout my life, I have been known for my reactions to things. I can tell because there is always this overly dramatic experience that really just could have been avoided all together, aka a tantrum. This is something I have learned recently about myself. In Therapy, I have been learning a lot about myself, who I am, inside and out, and why I do the things I do. My passion, often misperceived, is derived from never being heard as a child. I had to learn how important it was to work on that specific detail versus involve and/or hurt people I care about. No need to repeat the cycle, my kids don’t need to go through what I did. Much love to my Parents, they did the best they could at that time.

Anyway – this new job has woken me up! I ‘feel myself’ again! The decisions I make daily as a Project Manager feel so much better at this job. My previous job had so much red tape, and as a Project Manager that can feel suffocating! No puns to my former employers as I have become who I am today because of those experiences. I just know what I deserve and I finally feel like I am at a good place for now. This is also a good organization to build the kind of experience needed to ultimately become the Executive I want to be! You should always aspire to do what YOU have always wanted to do, it is possible – just do it!

Being unemployed for over a year, courtesy of the pandemic, helped me realize a lot about my life and where I see myself in the future. I want to succeed and LIVE MY BEST LIFE, but I also want my children to have the BEST future once I am gone. That’s growth, right? I have come to terms with my lifespan notation as a chronic illness warrior, I can handle the reality now.

Anyway, so I’ve been too busy working to write on my blog – shame on me when I have SO much to share. I have, however, kept up with my Instagram page. If you are feeling any sort of word vibes, head over to my page.

I want to share my story on video. Any amazing video creators out there? I do feel like we, who feel the need to empower and be empowered, should do so without limitation. This life is short. Our goals are ours. We either conquer them or continue keeping them as thoughts. The time is now. After the year our nation has had it, we owe it to our future. Why not, right?!

Thank you for listening. I promise I’m back, but I am ready for so much more.

It gets old

I have never had the best relationship with my Parents. We have never really seen eye-to-eye per say. My mom led a totally different life, never believes she is wrong, and I can count with one hand the number of times my Mother has hugged me, kissed me, or even told me she loved me. My Father has always been in and out of my life. Now that I am a Mother, I can put into perspective my synopsis of how my Parents make me feel.

One thing that is so important includes being the change. The subtitle of my Blog is, “Break the Cycle, Be the Difference”. The reason being, I have spent the majority of my life finding ways to go the route contrary to my Parents due to their examples and lack of support for me in my life. Yes, they’ve made strides to be there for momentous occassions, but it has never felt real. It has never felt pure. My Parents have always had another agenda. It is what it is, I’m almost 36 (it’s my Birthday month haha).

IG: Stimulate_Mental

You know how everyone has a pet peeve? Well, mine are liars. Both my Parents made a lot of empty promises to me growing up. As a Parent myself now, I can imagine that initially the promise was made with every intention on fulfilling it. However, I feel like honesty is the best policy at all times, whether in your personal life and especially your kids.

You have to live with some degree of integrity. I have worked so hard to achieve the reputation that I do today. That isn’t because I just wanted the attention. It’s because I want to always be remembered as someone always willing to lend a helping hand.

I digressed… I guess it just pisses me off when my Parents begin to implement those false promises with my kids, their grandchildren. Don’t lie to my kids. You lied to me so much in my lifetime, shit on me all day for all I care. But, do not repeat the cycle with my children as that to me is where I have to cross the line. I had to recently confront one of my Parents about it and I am glad I did. It is not okay, and if my Parents want to maintain a relationship with their grandchildren, then I think there is a degree of respect, honesty and integrity that they should maintain themselves.

Okay – rant over.

The Ex-JW wife

Being married to an ex-Jehovah’s Witness isn’t as peaceful as you would think. There is the constant judgement, consistent influence and preaching whether you like it or not, comparisons and such. Though my husband has not practiced the religion in over 20 years, the desire for him to repent remains. If I thought I had issues with my mother-in-law it would only be due to this. I wish Netflix or some platform would interview spouses of ex-Jehovah’s witnesses to get a feel for what these people went through. But what about us wives? When do we get to stop being judged? While I can’t give enough shits about what anyone thinks of me, the family dynamic and where we fit in to the puzzle is a misfit.

I have been married for almost 15 years. Since the beginning of my marriage, when I met my in-laws (notice, not before I was legally married), I have been critiqued, judged, talked about, envied over, the works. When I was first introduced to my husband’s family, I had a 15-year old girl tell me I would never feel welcomed since I am clearly different from them.

As for my kids, I was told that when Armageddon decided to show up, that we would be destroyed since we are not Jehovah’s Witnesses. Perhaps they don’t have a pulse to understand how much that hurts to hear.

I have been asked multiple times why I chose to marry into such a complex family dynamic. Love would be the obvious answer, but not I. I do love my husband, but that’s not the point.

My entire life I have been a misfit. I was always the rare breed, the runt of the litter per say. I know what it’s like to be nothing to most yet everything to everyone when needed.

Leaving a cult isn’t the easiest thing to do. Being disassociated as they say equates to being shunned. If you were walking down the street, no one could look in your direction let alone share the same path. The best part, the same people who preach this Jehovah word are the same people hypocritically and intimately involved with minors. I have more examples, but that’s enough for tonight.

I stick by my family, but I know right from wrong. It’s the one decision my husband doesn’t regret. I am forever grateful he left that cult religion, or else I would have never met him. Here we are, still standing strong together.

Good Night…

What she didn’t know…

Growing up I was always left out of the loop. Like, there were no family meetings, no “hey, by the way” moments – unless it was to tell me something to do. I grew up in silence because, as a Parental child, it is the only way I knew how to be. While I had my moments of tantrum and anger as a child and/or teen, I was relatively the one who went along with everything. Things that, as a parent now, I would never imagine putting my children in that situation.

My parents did the best they could, and I should be grateful. I get that. There can only be so much “Woe is me” in your 20s so that once you reach your 30s, you’re basically defining who you are so that by the time you reach your 40s, you can live at your prime and get your 2nd chance at life. Travel more, see more of the world (hopefully without a mask on), make memories and create a sacred home filled with love – endless love. However, at what point do I get to talk about how much SO much fucked me up mentally to where now, as an adult, I realize SO many foundational pieces I missed out on learning growing up?

It just amazes me how much now, as an adult, I have learned about how much I didn’t know. Perhaps my parents were protecting me by not sharing things with me. Maybe they wanted to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and not inconvenience me. Whatever the case, the critical moments of my life that were foundational to my future were missed.

Now, as a mom and wife, I strive daily to ensure I don’t miss out on those foundational moments with my children. Like how I work daily to teach my children of the future by exemplifying an intellectual conversation without yelling and arguing – sometimes.

Evolving as a woman during this self-discovery phase feels revitalizing. I feel like I sweat less over the drama. I choose my battles and opt out of the bullshit. It’s amazing how as we age, the bullshit becomes less enticing. I am happy for this time because while it has felt like a vicious cycle, it has set me up to actually enjoy the remainder of my life the way I deserve to best.

Peace for all…

The aftermath..

This time last year was so different, so much better to be honest. I had just graduated with my master’s degree and was at a good place in my career. I allowed influence and stress to take over my life, and the livelihood of my own family. Multiple factors made us vulnerable and drove us to radical changes. We moved across the country twice in one year, and experienced a lot of hardship in between. We thought we were making the right choice, but our journey as a family had taken a sharp turn into turmoil. I experienced things that reminded me of my childhood, and I was quickly reminded of why it was not a good choice to make this move.

Truth has it that, we as people, get stronger with every trial and tribulation we endure. I believe it. It has been 10 months since all that madness began, and I am NOT the same person I was. My perspective has changed. My boundaries have been redefined. I consider this a positive since we all must grow from our mistakes as adults.

I have learned a lot about myself and my behaviors. Always being focused on breaking the cycle and being the difference took a toll on me. The urge to seek the attention and love I lacked as a Parental child growing up in a single-parent household haunted me. It led me across the country yearning for something that just is not there, and I get it now.

I am back in my home State of Florida, and time has given me clarity. My feelings towards the people who hurt us have been rehabilitated. A grip of reality and the ability to accept things as they are. A new perspective towards the future and what will come. I have faith things will continue to improve.

I decided to start this blog to connect with community as I document this journey. As I grow closer to my “late 30’s”, I want to utilize my passion for writing now more than ever. Being quarantined in the middle of a Pandemic has definitely provided influence! I look forward to documenting my experiences as a wife, mother, dog mom, and working mom.